Jack Is Lucky & Forgiviness Is Divine

Feeling better now.  I had to go there last night.  I was so upset with Jack that I could have cried.  You know, if you look over all that I have said about him, I am aware that it looks like a silly girl’s fantasy.  The truth is there are some really amazing things about Jack and on the very opposite end of things; Jack can be a thoughtless jackass.  That pun was intended.

My problem is that I have seen both sides.  I understand that no one is perfect and that we all have our quirks.  The truth is, I am quirky, too.  Can’t you tell?  Know of anyone else writing this type of blog?  Anyhow, there is something so satisfying about Jack that when he does asshole-ish things, my first reaction is to lash out.  After I calm down, I tend to think it through.  I want to call him so badly but I really do think that waiting until I see him face-to-face will have more of an impact and hopefully I will get the response I want.  What response is that?  Well, I simply want Jack to know that what he does affects me, just like what I do effects him.  I have to admit that I do put on an “aire” of sorts at times with him.  I try to seem bulletproof, but that is not being honest.  That is coming from a place of fear.  And why should I fear anything if I love him?  What, like...I don’t have any emotions?  Well, I have never cried over him and I have never cried in front of him.  I tried to be tough, you know.  But, if I really want him to know me and to know what I need for us to work then being upfront with what I need from him is the best policy.

Jack has no problems telling me what he needs to be comfortable and I have no problem with it. But, I have held back.  I think that is my folly and I aim to change that.  I am dedicated to changing that.  Jack will understand or he won’t understand.  Either way, I won’t be able to blame him for not being upfront and honest about what I need or I will feel better about giving him the tools to keep me a happy camper.

But, as far as not saying “thank you” for the work I did for him.  That’s a real no-no.  He knows better and it’s simply rude.  I know I am making allowances and maybe even excuses.  I get that.  I get that.