I've been thinking. What do I get out of this relationship?
You have an answer, right?
I have some answers too.
When I am with you, I feel safe. I hate missing you.
I hate seeing you unhappy.
I hate not having alone time. We don't get any alone time, really. We've been together 6 months and I have had a great time with you. I can't wait for us to connect more.
I hate being confused. Sometimes I think you don't need me until you sort out your life. I know how long you spent in an unhappy relationship and I know you may need some time to heal and grow. Sometimes I don't know you if you need me and I am confused because you really never mention it.
But...
What I get out of this relationship is a learning experience with you.
I really like you.
I trust you.
I need you.
I want you.
I desire you.
It's that simple.
You treat me very nicely. When I am with you, I feel like a soft woman because you are my strong man.
No man has treated me as nicely as you do. You have taken me places and shown me new things.
I think we have each others back. You watch out for me and I watch out for you.
I love that you are Italian. I love hearing about your home country.
You have your quirks and so do I but it's lots of fun being with you, AMAZING sex... and yeah....
I got some bragging rights, too. You know how extrodinarily good-lookand talented you are.
Well, I am good-looking, too...when I wanna be.
Have you seen us together? We are a total power couple.
We belong together.
I love you, Shane.
Always,
Chianne
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Jack vs. Shane: Let the cheating begin...!?
Jack vs. Shane: Let the cheating begin!
Alright. Let's examine this cheating thing that Shane got himself wrapped up into.
Here's how it went down. I see Shane several times a week, usually consecutive days. Maybe 3 or 4 in a row. Then for the other 3-4 days, Shane would completely disappear. No phone call and no text.
At first, I would freak out. I had no idea where Shane was or what was going on. The worst thoughts imaginable spilled into my head. My wild thoughts got so bad that I couldn't even concentrate at work. Did I cheat first with the love of my life?
Did I cheat on my Cowboy Shane with my sweetheart of all sweetheart, Jack?And how the hell did these two end up sleeping at my house and in my bedroom at the same time? (It was not what you think...)
I have to back pedal here to give some back story....
BONUS POST WITHIN POST: SWEATY PALMS & WAITING FOR JACK TO ARRIVE
BONUS POST WITHIN POST: SWEATY PALMS & WAITING FOR JACK TO ARRIVE
Finally, a few weeks ago, Jack came to town. Yes, MY JACK! Jack came flew into town for a convention and I had promised several months back that he could stay with me. I am not one to go back on my word so...I honored my word. So on Wednesday, July 20, 2011...I got to see the love of my love life. Not only that, I knew that I would have him for 5 fun-filled night and 4 amazing days. Well, at least while he wasn't attending the convention.
I met Jack at the airport after he patiently waited there for me for 2 hrs. I couldn't get myself motivated to even get to the airport on time to meet. I was in a panic or having a serious happy breakdown. I was downing coffee and dozing off between doing some last minute tidying up of my home. I went from high anxiety to caffeine induced coma and this was all based on the fact that Jack was on his way into town. I couldn't process all that Jack info at one time. Jack was arriving soon. I love Jack. I'm in love with Jack. I haven't seen Jack in 10 months and I am going to see him today. I can surely saw that I wasn't processing a thing...except for coffee.
Arriving at the airport was a surreal moment. The sun was impressive, even blinding me while wearing sunglasses. The day was warm with slight wispy breezes. I walked down the airport sidewalk in a daze. I could see people hugging and crying. Couples were kissing. Kids were laughing. Luggage was everywhere. One minute of walking felt like 10 minutes of time had passed and it was just at the final second of the minute that I noticed Jack's unmistakable silhouette sitting on a bench in the shady distance.
Yes, it's Jack. It's the man that I love. By happenstance, Jack turned and looked in my direction as I approached him. I didn't smile. I don't think I could smile. I was in shock, worried and going over my imperfections list in my head. "Oh, why did I wear these jeans and this shirt. I'm a mess. Oh, how's my hair. The color is different! What if he doesn't recognize me? What if he doesn't like.... HI JACK!
"C'mon and give me a hug!!!", he cheers. I can barely remember the hug. What I do remember is what it felt like. What it felt like to be in Jack's arms again. Time finally stood still...at least for 30 seconds, but those seconds felt like an hour. I gave him a big kiss on the cheek and inhaled his sexy scent, which I later found out was Coast soap. I didn't want to seem desperate and plant one on his lips. Jack kissed my check, too, after holding me back to take a gander. We then hugged again for another 30-second hour...
To Be Continued...
Monday, August 8, 2011
2000 Hrs Later: Cowboy Shane Rides Into My Sunrise
I have found him, ladies. And I can tell you that I am not giving him up. That's right! I am sure there are others, but this golden boy is mine for the keeping.
The most vain parts of me get to flex their muscles when Shane and I step out on the town. Which we did, just last night. My trophy lover has the rugged good looks of Russell Crowe, the mysterious charms of Jon Hamm (as Don Draper) and the sophistication of Daniel Craig as James Bond and I am willing to wear the t-shirt that reads "I'm with him and you're not!"
Yes, he's drop dead stunning and we make a very unique...I actually want to say "odd" looking couple. I think my odd comment comes because I think I want to stick my face full of botox and I am just having a bad face year...That's my opinion, of course. It's not Shane's opinion. It is Shane who loves my face in and out of makeup. It's Shane who prefers my natural hair length versus my addiction to wearing hair extensions. Don't get me wrong. Shane is crazy. I mean he is such a drama queen in his own right and I am happily attracted to oddballs like this. Opposites attract but oddballs stick together. I'm an oddball and a drama queen, wouldn't you agree?
When we look at each other or hold hands, there is a spark. I cannot explain it but Shane described as best he could the other day.
He was at my house, it was very late and we were just talking by candlelight. After some "spirits", Shane started to make a few confessions. Like...Oh...That he had cheated on me with a younger girl. Age 21 to be exact. My heart sank to the soles of my shoes, but I felt so much empathy for him. Read my post on "How I feel empathy for my cheating boyfriend" coming up in the next few days.
Nevertheless, Shane and I shared an important moment. After our chat about Misha, Shane asked that I sit on his lap. I did, of course and Shane just nuzzled and buried his head into my chest. He put his arms around me but this was a different feeling that I have ever felt before. I got the sense of defeat from Shane. Well, maybe not defeat...maybe it was surrender. I held Shane in my arms. That's all I know.
I could smell his sweaty hair right below my nose, which I love. Sometimes, when he is sleeping, I lie next to him in bed and just sniff his hair. No Tag or Axe body spray can beat the scent of a manly-mans sweaty hair. I ran my hands through his hair and just...embraced Shane.
Never mind what I was feeling as he rested his head on my bosom. Wednesday night (8/3/11), Shane said the magic words. He said that he felt the "connection" and "energy" in our embrace the other night. It's a bit melodramatic, one may say, but I know what he means. We know what that embrace was all about. It was about something more than we could ever express with words.
I hate when Shane is working. I hate when Shane is not around. He has an amazing energy. He's got issues and he said so himself. Yeah, I know what some of them are. Shane is looking for unconditional love. Aren't we all?
What I do know about Shane and I is this. Shane is an extremely quirky man. All of his past relationships didn't survive the quirky, oddball stuff the makes it's home in Shane's mind, body and libido. As I get to know more about his quirks, and actually survive them, I am so thankful for him and his crazy ways. I have learned so much about myself. I don't take anything that Shane does personally. Not even Misha. If Shane and I would break up today, it would hurt, of course, but I would rest assured that it would not last long. We would be back into each others arms after a hiatus. How do I know? How did Neo know he was "The One" in the Matrix?
Monday, May 23, 2011
Cowboy Shane: Marriage, Babies & His Other Musings
Here we are.
I think Shane and I have been seeing one another for about a month and what a roller coaster of a month it has been.
From seeing him from dusk til' dawn to his sparce texting, Shane is who Shane is.
He rolls how he rolls. When he doesn't want something, he doesn't get it and when he wants something... Well, does he really know what he wants? I haven't a clue sometimes.
I've coined his drink officially the "Cowboy Shane".
There you go.
It's pretty simple and it's his favorite when we are hanging out at 2:00 a.m. and all the corner stores have closed and we simple want more to drink and that's all that's left.
Which leads me to this post about Tuesday night.
Shane has been very verbal, yet it comes in spurts. There are times when I can expect a response from my text to him and other times, when there is complete silence for day. Almost like he's disappeared from earth.
Shane looks like a mature version of Thor. The body and all. Shane is amazingly easy on the eyes and his body leaves nothing more to be desired. He has it all.
When Shane is around everything is good. I know he is comfortable with me and I am surely comfortable with him. That's not to say that we don't have our individual issues. Trust me, we do. But we love each others company so much that we can put that aside, get wasted and fool around.
Shane arrives late after conducting a late shift. He told me earlier that he would text me. I waited and waited and I fell asleep on my cozy rug reading a book. My phone rang about midnight. It was Shane.
"Are you up?", he asked. I was dead asleep. "YES! I'm up, just reading. What are you doing?", I responded.
He started telling me about his hard day at work. He was OK and I knew it, but I asked him with sincere concern if he were.
"Well, you should go to bed. It's late...." Shane begins.
"I'm up. Honestly, I am." Yes, I lied through me teeth but I felt the need to just hear his sexy deep voice. I didn't want to let him go just yet.
"Well, I'm just hanging out with the boys, you know. So, you wanna hang out?..."
(Duh, Shane.)
"Why don't you come over and give me a hug?", I said.
He hung up but not before letting me know he was on his way over.
Well, I began looking at what needed to be tidied up in the house, including myself, and cleaned up a bit.
I heard Shane's car pull up, running over the small gravel bits from the newly blacktopped street.
Shane has the best and most strong hands. When he hugs me, I lose my breath. Not just because I am excited about being in his arms, but because he hugs like an Arctic polar bear would probably hug.
I have so many things I want to know about Shane, but when he comes over, I fall into a trance and I cant remember a thing.
What I do remember is the following:
"Let's move in together."
"Let's have babies."
"You're my girlfriend, you know. I'm telling everybody about you!"
Those topics alone are enough to send anyone into a coma.
Yet, I remained excited at this crazy notion. Of course, knowing what little I feel I know of Shane, I can't consider such an offer, at least moving in with him and having babies. Those are way too serious of topics to discuss flippantly...and before we had drinks.
Being his girlfriend sounds fun, but I don't know if Shane is ready to have a girlfriend in his life so soon after the divorce and woe to the rebound girl. I certainly don't want that title.
What I can see about Shane and I is that we are two lonesome people who found one another and we keep one another in good company. It makes sense for him to want to fill the hole of not having a woman about the house, nor his children, but his "idea" is not a solution.
And my problem is that the more I see, speak or have Shane over at my house, I fall for him more and more.
A blessing and a curse...
Because, I really can't drink if I'm pregnant.
I think Shane and I have been seeing one another for about a month and what a roller coaster of a month it has been.
From seeing him from dusk til' dawn to his sparce texting, Shane is who Shane is.
He rolls how he rolls. When he doesn't want something, he doesn't get it and when he wants something... Well, does he really know what he wants? I haven't a clue sometimes.
I've coined his drink officially the "Cowboy Shane".
Here's how you mix it:
Sexy 8 oz. glass
Lite Ice
Whiskey (any will do)
Gatorade (your favorite flavor)
One part whiskey to two parts Gatorade. Shake or stir and pour into glass over lite ice.
There you go.
It's pretty simple and it's his favorite when we are hanging out at 2:00 a.m. and all the corner stores have closed and we simple want more to drink and that's all that's left.
Which leads me to this post about Tuesday night.
Shane has been very verbal, yet it comes in spurts. There are times when I can expect a response from my text to him and other times, when there is complete silence for day. Almost like he's disappeared from earth.
Shane looks like a mature version of Thor. The body and all. Shane is amazingly easy on the eyes and his body leaves nothing more to be desired. He has it all.
When Shane is around everything is good. I know he is comfortable with me and I am surely comfortable with him. That's not to say that we don't have our individual issues. Trust me, we do. But we love each others company so much that we can put that aside, get wasted and fool around.
Shane arrives late after conducting a late shift. He told me earlier that he would text me. I waited and waited and I fell asleep on my cozy rug reading a book. My phone rang about midnight. It was Shane.
"Are you up?", he asked. I was dead asleep. "YES! I'm up, just reading. What are you doing?", I responded.
He started telling me about his hard day at work. He was OK and I knew it, but I asked him with sincere concern if he were.
"Well, you should go to bed. It's late...." Shane begins.
"I'm up. Honestly, I am." Yes, I lied through me teeth but I felt the need to just hear his sexy deep voice. I didn't want to let him go just yet.
"Well, I'm just hanging out with the boys, you know. So, you wanna hang out?..."
(Duh, Shane.)
"Why don't you come over and give me a hug?", I said.
He hung up but not before letting me know he was on his way over.
Well, I began looking at what needed to be tidied up in the house, including myself, and cleaned up a bit.
I heard Shane's car pull up, running over the small gravel bits from the newly blacktopped street.
Shane has the best and most strong hands. When he hugs me, I lose my breath. Not just because I am excited about being in his arms, but because he hugs like an Arctic polar bear would probably hug.
I have so many things I want to know about Shane, but when he comes over, I fall into a trance and I cant remember a thing.
What I do remember is the following:
"Let's move in together."
"Let's have babies."
"You're my girlfriend, you know. I'm telling everybody about you!"
Those topics alone are enough to send anyone into a coma.
Yet, I remained excited at this crazy notion. Of course, knowing what little I feel I know of Shane, I can't consider such an offer, at least moving in with him and having babies. Those are way too serious of topics to discuss flippantly...and before we had drinks.
Being his girlfriend sounds fun, but I don't know if Shane is ready to have a girlfriend in his life so soon after the divorce and woe to the rebound girl. I certainly don't want that title.
What I can see about Shane and I is that we are two lonesome people who found one another and we keep one another in good company. It makes sense for him to want to fill the hole of not having a woman about the house, nor his children, but his "idea" is not a solution.
And my problem is that the more I see, speak or have Shane over at my house, I fall for him more and more.
A blessing and a curse...
Because, I really can't drink if I'm pregnant.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Move Over Jack: Shane & Chianne Are In Love?
I was going to boil Shane's bunny after not hearing from him for four days or so after our first rendezvous.
I was peeved to say the least.
Then, I was going to kick him to the curb when I didn't hear from him all of the following week, even after running into him.
Well, the mystery was solved when I caught him 2 days in a row this week. I saw him on Tuesday and Wednesday, respectively.
Seeing Shane both days brought me more in touch with what is going on in his life and what he is experiencing has nothing to do with me whatsoever.
Shane is going through a difficult time with an ex-. That is understandable. And now knowing that this ex- and Shane are not on the best of terms explains his behavior. I mean, some things are still sketchy, and I assume he is still learning to trust and waiting for the other shoe to drop with me, but that is not the case.
I am a pretty simple gal. What you see is what you get. How I am in public is how I am in private. I am don't let the super bitch inside me take the wheel. Besides, whats the point in that? I simply enjoy Shane's company and like having him in my life. Now, I know that it's that simple.
I want Shane to remain part of my life. So, if it's at all possible (even with the ex- drama), then it shall be.
Shane has his problems and drama but I am here for him. I am here for us and what ever US there is to be in the future.
When I saw him on Wednesday, I knew something was different. He was very affectionate in front of others. He was more affectionate period. He said he had lost my number out of his phone and wanted to call me about getting together soon.
I kindly gave him my number again and I waited. No phone call that night. I knew he was tired and simply didn't get around to it. That's fine, besides I was not waiting up by the phone for him to call...
Well, I was sort off expecting him to give me a ring but it was OK when he did not.
Then I decided to send him a friendly text on yesterday. Shockingly, he responded. I responded back casually.
Then, later in the day, I got a text when I was riding the transit after work. I was listening to some music when I looked down and read, "I love having you in my life."
Wha????
Of course, I wanted to hear that from him, but I certainly wasn't expecting it. It felt like it came out of the blue and I was so happy.
Instead of sending a quick response, I let Shane sweat it out a little and didn't test him a response for several hours. Meanwhile, I could not breathe and text all my girlfriends for advise on what to say in response.
My friend Ziggy is awesome. She gave me words of wisdom and I tweaked what she said a bit so that it didn't sound too much like someone else wrote it. Not to mention, that I really want to take it slow with Shane. I don't want to burn our potential relationship out.
Here's my response:
Needless to say, when I got home last night, I had an itchy feeling that Shane was going to come over to my place. Sure enough, after a text battle with his ex-, Shane called me up to ask how to get to my house again...Even though he conducts (drives) a transit past my house several times a week.
I gave him directions and within the hour he was there. We talked and had a drink. Finally, we had a deep discussion about our past, our families and what we wanted in our future. Then we fooled around most of the night and into the morning. We then went to breakfast and he drove me to work. Then, POOF....
Just like that, after a huge kiss and great hug, he was gone....but left a deep footprint in my heart.
Yeah, we say we want to take it s-l-o-w, but it doesn't happen that way. We do have a great chemistry and connection.
I am what Shane needs. Not to toot my own horn, but according to him, his ex- is not the fun-loving, bouncy, energetic and supportive person anymore that he needs right now. That's me and I like being that comfort to him. Besides, she left him. I am sure she had her reasons.
All the ex- drama is bringing him down. I'm not trying to get into the middle of it, I just want him to be OK and work through as best he can and not let the anger taking him down.
As far as I go, I could fall in love. I am not in love with Shane. Partly because I am scared and partly because I feel like I would be betraying my love for Jack.
I can honestly say that I love Jack, but with this wonderful new man in my life and Jack off revamping his career...
Who's to say that Shane would not be replace Jack as the man of my life?
Who's to say...?
I was peeved to say the least.
Then, I was going to kick him to the curb when I didn't hear from him all of the following week, even after running into him.
Well, the mystery was solved when I caught him 2 days in a row this week. I saw him on Tuesday and Wednesday, respectively.
Seeing Shane both days brought me more in touch with what is going on in his life and what he is experiencing has nothing to do with me whatsoever.
Shane is going through a difficult time with an ex-. That is understandable. And now knowing that this ex- and Shane are not on the best of terms explains his behavior. I mean, some things are still sketchy, and I assume he is still learning to trust and waiting for the other shoe to drop with me, but that is not the case.
I am a pretty simple gal. What you see is what you get. How I am in public is how I am in private. I am don't let the super bitch inside me take the wheel. Besides, whats the point in that? I simply enjoy Shane's company and like having him in my life. Now, I know that it's that simple.
I want Shane to remain part of my life. So, if it's at all possible (even with the ex- drama), then it shall be.
Shane has his problems and drama but I am here for him. I am here for us and what ever US there is to be in the future.
When I saw him on Wednesday, I knew something was different. He was very affectionate in front of others. He was more affectionate period. He said he had lost my number out of his phone and wanted to call me about getting together soon.
I kindly gave him my number again and I waited. No phone call that night. I knew he was tired and simply didn't get around to it. That's fine, besides I was not waiting up by the phone for him to call...
Well, I was sort off expecting him to give me a ring but it was OK when he did not.
Then I decided to send him a friendly text on yesterday. Shockingly, he responded. I responded back casually.
Then, later in the day, I got a text when I was riding the transit after work. I was listening to some music when I looked down and read, "I love having you in my life."
Wha????
Of course, I wanted to hear that from him, but I certainly wasn't expecting it. It felt like it came out of the blue and I was so happy.
Instead of sending a quick response, I let Shane sweat it out a little and didn't test him a response for several hours. Meanwhile, I could not breathe and text all my girlfriends for advise on what to say in response.
My friend Ziggy is awesome. She gave me words of wisdom and I tweaked what she said a bit so that it didn't sound too much like someone else wrote it. Not to mention, that I really want to take it slow with Shane. I don't want to burn our potential relationship out.
Here's my response:
Needless to say, when I got home last night, I had an itchy feeling that Shane was going to come over to my place. Sure enough, after a text battle with his ex-, Shane called me up to ask how to get to my house again...Even though he conducts (drives) a transit past my house several times a week.
I gave him directions and within the hour he was there. We talked and had a drink. Finally, we had a deep discussion about our past, our families and what we wanted in our future. Then we fooled around most of the night and into the morning. We then went to breakfast and he drove me to work. Then, POOF....
Just like that, after a huge kiss and great hug, he was gone....but left a deep footprint in my heart.
Yeah, we say we want to take it s-l-o-w, but it doesn't happen that way. We do have a great chemistry and connection.
All the ex- drama is bringing him down. I'm not trying to get into the middle of it, I just want him to be OK and work through as best he can and not let the anger taking him down.
As far as I go, I could fall in love. I am not in love with Shane. Partly because I am scared and partly because I feel like I would be betraying my love for Jack.
I can honestly say that I love Jack, but with this wonderful new man in my life and Jack off revamping his career...
Who's to say that Shane would not be replace Jack as the man of my life?
Who's to say...?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
OMG! It's Raining Men...and then some....
It's Raining Men...and then some....
I thought I had my mind and hands full just dealing with Jack. Well, I can only blame the influx of new men to date on Spring Fever!
Let's update.
Thon: Thon and I have been seeing one another for about a year. He's just so damn busy and our schedules do not mesh. What's wild about Thon is that he has been hinting more and more about us becoming a couple. It's not that I am just trying to read between the lines. I mean, Thon is really making an effort. He stays in touch more. More texts and communication and that sentence that keeps resonating with me. When he asked "Is this enough for you?", I didn't want to just assume that he meant that he wanted to further our relationship along. It was the subsequent email that confirmed my initial thought. He does want more of a relationship. At this point, I know that Thon is way too busy to have me as a steady. So, that's out of the question. I'd rather just enjoy what we have and not break things because I like him. I like spending time with him and he is a delicious guy, but I know myself and I know that he does not have the time to put into a relationship that I would be comfortable with.
Robbie: Although I broke things off with Robbie (find out why here), Robbie and I have managed to remain friends. Actually, Robbie is still interested, but I cannot do the whole "my ex- is just living with me" thing. Way too much drama. I like Robbie. He makes me laugh and I have let go of all that initial hostility I had toward him. So, his ex- lives with him. I can do nothing about that nor would I want to. That's Robbie's situation and if he's OK with not moving forward and forming a relationship with me, then I have to let it go for my own sanity's sake. It could have been fun, Robbie.
Cowboy Shane: Well, I certainly made Cowboy Shane the main event here on this blog. Almost as important as Jack himself. Well, what I have not been able to say about Shane is that he never texts or calls me back and after our night in paradise, I thought that he was a serious "Wham-Bam....". I was wrong as of yesterday. It turns out that Shane has a past. His past is not far enough in the past for him to move forward at the moment. He's stuck. After the ink drying on his divorce just a few months ago, Shane has not had much contact with his children. The ex-wife took the kids across the country and not much has been seen or heard from them in some time. I saw Shane yesterday and he just started talking to me about it. He is becoming an insomniac which doesn't work when you're a transit conductor. After not having heard from him since our night together, I thought that he was just an asshole that wanted a one-night-stand. I was wrong. Last week, he was affectionate with me and he didn't hold back, even in public on his transit breaks. He did the same yesterday and he is likely to do the same today when I see him at my regular time. He's pouting and brooding, with reason of course. But, it's not healthy for him.
Cowboy Shane wants more of a relationship with me. How do I know? He gave a copy of his conductor's schedule. "So you don't have to guess where I am on the routes", he says. Why did he give me a copy of his schedule? Well, to me, that says more than not calling or texting me says. I really like Shane. He's not only gorgeous but he has a heart. That's a great recipe for something long term. Can't wait to see where this goes. I'm in for the adventure. Watch out Jack!
Next time, I'll update the goings on with my new guy, Alex...who's in serious heat.
As well as, Marty and his "Farewell to England" gift and of course, my love, Jack.
I thought I had my mind and hands full just dealing with Jack. Well, I can only blame the influx of new men to date on Spring Fever!
Let's update.
Thon: Thon and I have been seeing one another for about a year. He's just so damn busy and our schedules do not mesh. What's wild about Thon is that he has been hinting more and more about us becoming a couple. It's not that I am just trying to read between the lines. I mean, Thon is really making an effort. He stays in touch more. More texts and communication and that sentence that keeps resonating with me. When he asked "Is this enough for you?", I didn't want to just assume that he meant that he wanted to further our relationship along. It was the subsequent email that confirmed my initial thought. He does want more of a relationship. At this point, I know that Thon is way too busy to have me as a steady. So, that's out of the question. I'd rather just enjoy what we have and not break things because I like him. I like spending time with him and he is a delicious guy, but I know myself and I know that he does not have the time to put into a relationship that I would be comfortable with.
Robbie: Although I broke things off with Robbie (find out why here), Robbie and I have managed to remain friends. Actually, Robbie is still interested, but I cannot do the whole "my ex- is just living with me" thing. Way too much drama. I like Robbie. He makes me laugh and I have let go of all that initial hostility I had toward him. So, his ex- lives with him. I can do nothing about that nor would I want to. That's Robbie's situation and if he's OK with not moving forward and forming a relationship with me, then I have to let it go for my own sanity's sake. It could have been fun, Robbie.
Cowboy Shane: Well, I certainly made Cowboy Shane the main event here on this blog. Almost as important as Jack himself. Well, what I have not been able to say about Shane is that he never texts or calls me back and after our night in paradise, I thought that he was a serious "Wham-Bam....". I was wrong as of yesterday. It turns out that Shane has a past. His past is not far enough in the past for him to move forward at the moment. He's stuck. After the ink drying on his divorce just a few months ago, Shane has not had much contact with his children. The ex-wife took the kids across the country and not much has been seen or heard from them in some time. I saw Shane yesterday and he just started talking to me about it. He is becoming an insomniac which doesn't work when you're a transit conductor. After not having heard from him since our night together, I thought that he was just an asshole that wanted a one-night-stand. I was wrong. Last week, he was affectionate with me and he didn't hold back, even in public on his transit breaks. He did the same yesterday and he is likely to do the same today when I see him at my regular time. He's pouting and brooding, with reason of course. But, it's not healthy for him.
Cowboy Shane wants more of a relationship with me. How do I know? He gave a copy of his conductor's schedule. "So you don't have to guess where I am on the routes", he says. Why did he give me a copy of his schedule? Well, to me, that says more than not calling or texting me says. I really like Shane. He's not only gorgeous but he has a heart. That's a great recipe for something long term. Can't wait to see where this goes. I'm in for the adventure. Watch out Jack!
Next time, I'll update the goings on with my new guy, Alex...who's in serious heat.
As well as, Marty and his "Farewell to England" gift and of course, my love, Jack.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Ballad Of Cowboy Shane: The Finale
Later that evening...
Shane ended up calling and asking how to get to my house. I asked him why he wanted to know.
He said, "Just tell me..." So, I did.
Now, let me remind you. I thought the date was called off. I had started on sorting my laundry and cleaning the house. My house was a divine mess.
"I'll be there in 20 minutes!" he says. "Wait...Shane....Wait!!!" I reply. I'm completely freaking out. The only work that I could think of saying was "F**K"! I tried calling him back but he didn't pick up.
"He can't come over," I thought to myself, "My place is a (BLANKING) mess!!! And, OMG...I'm in pyjamas. I am not ready to go out on a date.
I rushed around creating my own brand of havoc trying to prepare the pad for my special impromptu guest. I never got the place completely clean and I tried right up until I saw the lights and heard the sound of an engine that I am not used to hearing.
It was Shane in his SUV. The seconds it took him to get out of the car seemed like hours. He parked across the street and made his way toward me. He looked rather edible in his dark washed denims, casual navy tee and flip flops...(Flip flops???)
"Shane, I can't let you in. My place is a mess.""Chill-chill. Chill out. It's OK.", he replied. Yeah, so I still don't feel any better."Nooo, I can't. Why don't we go out and get something to drink?""Noooo, just chill. It's OK...Chill-chill out."
Needless to say, Shane came in and brought his bag of goodies. Yeah, Taco Bell and whiskey and Gatorade?
So, we sat in my tiny home and had a great time talking about a whole lot of nothing. Our language barrier seemed to widen the more he added whiskey to his Gatorade.
"Grab me a glass of water...if you please..." he requested. I come back with a glass of water...half empty.
He pours whiskey into the glass, filling it. "Have a drink", he said. "You have to chill out, Chi...You have to relax, you know...chill out?"
Saying "chill out" was about the only thing that was making much sense as we both became so wasted that we ended up fooling around on my floor. Well, we did more than fool around.
Let's say that the state of Virginia is not the only place for lovers. I think the combo of sexy accent, sexy guy and watered down whiskey impaired my judgement. That's one way to look at it or I can just say that I took advantage of the situation, because that's what I did.
The next morning we had breakfast and he drove me to work, kissing my hands the entire way there, then as an added bonus, I got to show him off to my co-workers.
"I like you...I love you...I like you...I love you..." Shane chants.
"Don't say that Shane! You don't know me. How can you love me?" I queried while trying to put my hands over his mouth. For the sake of my own sanity, I didn't want to hear it."I dunno. I'm afraid, you know. I just got divorced a few months ago and....You are so great..." he says.
I didn't know how to respond. Sure I wanted to hear that he loved me, but right now? Nope. I know that was probably hangover talk.
I don't know. I didn't want him to get all Jerry Maguire with me. Just liking me because I am available.
But he did have me at hello....
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
My Time With Cowboy Shane: Hotter Than Summer (Continued from 5/2/11)
In conclusion...
Shane and I had an unusual lunch. I would say it was the most sensual lunch I have ever had with the most gorgeous guy ever.
I know, I know. I gush over him and his looks. What you have to understand is that I usually date men 10 to 20 years older than me, I am no spring chicken. I am in my 30's. That's all I will say about my age.
So, when I see a guy that I thought was in his late 20's actually be 2.5 times older, I can't help it. He is the epitome of European vie. He loves great cappuccino, great European cigarettes (on occasion) and he has an eclectic sense of style and living. His views on life are unique and I appreciate the new view from his mental window.
Back to lunch...
Shane is very touchy-feely. He's relaxed, calm and confident. Or at least he appears that way most of the time. He had ordered us a glass of wine. Yeah, I was on lunch from work. At little wine won't kill me. What the heck, right?
Our server was very accommodating and polite enough to keep calling Shane by his first name. "Shane, may I get you anything else; something for your guest?" queried our server. "No, no, no.... Thank you soooo much, Bec-keee! You've been a-ma-zing", he says with a smile and his thick muddled accent.
Here's a visual. We are sitting and enjoying lunch at this crowded, swanky cafe. The sun is shining. Shane and I are there sipping wine and things are perfect in this moment.
So, for the time we were there. Shane practically gave me a back massage, which felt wonderful, along with a hip, thigh and crotch massage. Yes, he was massaging my crotch and talking about work. Trust me, my memory fades a bit here because I could no longer hear anything that came out of his mouth. All I could do is try to deter his need to reach between my legs by holding his hand.
Look, I'll be honest. His touch was exhilarating, but I was just worried about what everyone else was thinking. I mean, couldn't they see what he was doing?
I wanted to yell out to the crowd, "Hello, doesn't anyone see Shane rubbing my thighs and crotch because if you are not watching, I'll just have him continue...I mean, we are outdoors, people... and I was worried about what this might look like if you are looking....but since you're not looking....I'll sit down now!!!"
That was the beginning of our whirlwind escapade. After an amazing lunch and succulent "See you later tonight" kiss after lunch, I was in no mental state to work the rest of the day. I was winging it and doing the bare minimum. By this time the wine wore off, thank goodness, but I still felt tipsy. Shane gives me more of an adrenaline rush than most risque things I've done in my life.
At lunch, Shane and I made plans to have dinner, as well. I mean, actually, we were supposed to just have dinner but the lunch came because...well, we wanted to see one another. It's that simple.
Dinner was supposed to be at 8 pm. At 6:47 pm, I receive a text from Shane. Shane is basically backing out of our dinner date letting me know that he might see me on Saturday. "Yeah right!", I thought " He works on Saturday. How the hell is he going to have time to see me on Saturday?"
Part Two of the Conclusion is coming later today.
Shane and I had an unusual lunch. I would say it was the most sensual lunch I have ever had with the most gorgeous guy ever.
I know, I know. I gush over him and his looks. What you have to understand is that I usually date men 10 to 20 years older than me, I am no spring chicken. I am in my 30's. That's all I will say about my age.
So, when I see a guy that I thought was in his late 20's actually be 2.5 times older, I can't help it. He is the epitome of European vie. He loves great cappuccino, great European cigarettes (on occasion) and he has an eclectic sense of style and living. His views on life are unique and I appreciate the new view from his mental window.
Back to lunch...
Shane is very touchy-feely. He's relaxed, calm and confident. Or at least he appears that way most of the time. He had ordered us a glass of wine. Yeah, I was on lunch from work. At little wine won't kill me. What the heck, right?
Our server was very accommodating and polite enough to keep calling Shane by his first name. "Shane, may I get you anything else; something for your guest?" queried our server. "No, no, no.... Thank you soooo much, Bec-keee! You've been a-ma-zing", he says with a smile and his thick muddled accent.
Here's a visual. We are sitting and enjoying lunch at this crowded, swanky cafe. The sun is shining. Shane and I are there sipping wine and things are perfect in this moment.
So, for the time we were there. Shane practically gave me a back massage, which felt wonderful, along with a hip, thigh and crotch massage. Yes, he was massaging my crotch and talking about work. Trust me, my memory fades a bit here because I could no longer hear anything that came out of his mouth. All I could do is try to deter his need to reach between my legs by holding his hand.
Look, I'll be honest. His touch was exhilarating, but I was just worried about what everyone else was thinking. I mean, couldn't they see what he was doing?
I wanted to yell out to the crowd, "Hello, doesn't anyone see Shane rubbing my thighs and crotch because if you are not watching, I'll just have him continue...I mean, we are outdoors, people... and I was worried about what this might look like if you are looking....but since you're not looking....I'll sit down now!!!"
That was the beginning of our whirlwind escapade. After an amazing lunch and succulent "See you later tonight" kiss after lunch, I was in no mental state to work the rest of the day. I was winging it and doing the bare minimum. By this time the wine wore off, thank goodness, but I still felt tipsy. Shane gives me more of an adrenaline rush than most risque things I've done in my life.
At lunch, Shane and I made plans to have dinner, as well. I mean, actually, we were supposed to just have dinner but the lunch came because...well, we wanted to see one another. It's that simple.
Dinner was supposed to be at 8 pm. At 6:47 pm, I receive a text from Shane. Shane is basically backing out of our dinner date letting me know that he might see me on Saturday. "Yeah right!", I thought " He works on Saturday. How the hell is he going to have time to see me on Saturday?"
Part Two of the Conclusion is coming later today.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Ballad of Cowboy Shane: Did I Give My Heart or Did He Steal It? (Continued from 5/2/11)
Cowboy Shane: Did I Give My Heart or Did He Steal It? (Continued from yesterday- 5/2/11)
So, it's now time for me to make the big reveal. Is Cowboy Shane a rootin' tootin' heart breaker or did I volunteer my heart over to one of the most handsome men I have seen in years?
Well, It's a toss up. Flip your coin to see what the answer is. Heads for me giving my heart and tales means he stole it.
If you don't remember what I said about beautiful Shane yesterday, read it here!
Now, assuming that you've caught up...
Here goes...
Shane and I spoke on the phone after exchanging numbers last Wednesday. That was in the early evening and for the rest of the night I had the biggest smile. I was really glad that he showed and interest in getting to know me. What are the chances that such a looker would look my way.
Well...
He and I spoke later that night after he finished working and he is very interesting to talk to. We joked a bit until I heard a bit of an accent. I asked where he was from. "I was born in Italy and I lived all over Europe", he explained, "So my accent is a mix."
This certainly explain his exotic, yet rugged looks.
At this point in the conversation, I had to pick my body up from the floor. The mouth was talking but the rest of me was a happy little mess.
"Ok, call me tomorrow. Noon. Just to confirm, OK?"
I agreed.
We said our goodbyes and off to be I went. I slept on cloud 9.
I woke u the next morning and, as usual, when there is a special occasion, I could find nothing to wear.
My outfit had to be something I could wear to work, but have an extra flair.
I settled on a gray and black pant suit I put together.
I headed to work and I was just fine and doing what I needed to do to keep my focus on work. It was way too easy to veer off into fantasy land and daydream of Shane.
Finally, I called him at noon. We confirmed our plans and met at a swanky outdoor cafe just a stones throw from work. Besides, I didn't want to be too weak in the knees from the sight of his azure blue eyes that I couldn't walk myself back to work. Better to eat somewhere close in case I had to crawl.
Well, the time came. It was 12:55 and I was headed out of my office and strolling down the street. That was the longest walk ever.
I walked up to the gated entrance of the cafe and scanned the crowd. I didn't know what he looked like in street clothes. Until today, I've only seen him wearing his work uniform.
In the distance, I see this hulkingly beautiful man approaching. He greeted me with open arms and gave me a hug...Well, a squeeze, rather.
Like a boa constrictor squeezing their prey, I felt my self swooped up in to his arms.
"Hello beautiful!", he said.
It was warm outside and I could have fainted from the heat alone and now I wanted to faint from the fact that I was with him.
To be concluded tomorrow...
By the way, tomorrow (5/4/11) is Cowboy Shane day. I'll be riding his transit at 6:20 pm. I wonder how that will turn out after what happened between us.
Yes, I have already pick out my outfit.
So, it's now time for me to make the big reveal. Is Cowboy Shane a rootin' tootin' heart breaker or did I volunteer my heart over to one of the most handsome men I have seen in years?
Well, It's a toss up. Flip your coin to see what the answer is. Heads for me giving my heart and tales means he stole it.
If you don't remember what I said about beautiful Shane yesterday, read it here!
Now, assuming that you've caught up...
Here goes...
Shane and I spoke on the phone after exchanging numbers last Wednesday. That was in the early evening and for the rest of the night I had the biggest smile. I was really glad that he showed and interest in getting to know me. What are the chances that such a looker would look my way.
Well...
He and I spoke later that night after he finished working and he is very interesting to talk to. We joked a bit until I heard a bit of an accent. I asked where he was from. "I was born in Italy and I lived all over Europe", he explained, "So my accent is a mix."
This certainly explain his exotic, yet rugged looks.
"Soooo, we'll meet for lunch tomorrow?", he asked toward the end of the conversation.
"Sure, I have about an hour for lunch...." He interrupts with, "Yes, yes. An hour. Good. One o'clock, then...Good for you?"
"Yeah, sure!" I said excitedly.
"There is something about you...You know... An energy...an very good chi. We have a good connection, yes...?" he declares.
"Yes, I think we have something in the makings...Sure!"
At this point in the conversation, I had to pick my body up from the floor. The mouth was talking but the rest of me was a happy little mess.
"Ok, call me tomorrow. Noon. Just to confirm, OK?"
I agreed.
We said our goodbyes and off to be I went. I slept on cloud 9.
I woke u the next morning and, as usual, when there is a special occasion, I could find nothing to wear.
My outfit had to be something I could wear to work, but have an extra flair.
I settled on a gray and black pant suit I put together.
I headed to work and I was just fine and doing what I needed to do to keep my focus on work. It was way too easy to veer off into fantasy land and daydream of Shane.
Finally, I called him at noon. We confirmed our plans and met at a swanky outdoor cafe just a stones throw from work. Besides, I didn't want to be too weak in the knees from the sight of his azure blue eyes that I couldn't walk myself back to work. Better to eat somewhere close in case I had to crawl.
Well, the time came. It was 12:55 and I was headed out of my office and strolling down the street. That was the longest walk ever.
I walked up to the gated entrance of the cafe and scanned the crowd. I didn't know what he looked like in street clothes. Until today, I've only seen him wearing his work uniform.
In the distance, I see this hulkingly beautiful man approaching. He greeted me with open arms and gave me a hug...Well, a squeeze, rather.
Like a boa constrictor squeezing their prey, I felt my self swooped up in to his arms.
"Hello beautiful!", he said.
It was warm outside and I could have fainted from the heat alone and now I wanted to faint from the fact that I was with him.
To be concluded tomorrow...
By the way, tomorrow (5/4/11) is Cowboy Shane day. I'll be riding his transit at 6:20 pm. I wonder how that will turn out after what happened between us.
Yes, I have already pick out my outfit.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Heart-Way Robbery: Cowboy Shane Rode In and Stole My Heart
I do consider myself pretty easy going and I am with most people, I am. That includes all of the men in my life, too.
I'm not sure why this guy is driving me to want to boil his bunny. Maybe because he is so stunning. And when I say stunning...I mean it and so do all my friends who got to meet him.
Well, in rides Cowboy Shane to steal my heart and everything that comes with it. Now, I have not heard from him since Friday morning when his delicious ass drove me to work and met my co-workers. I had to show him off. He is an Adonis.
Cowboy Shane is my nick name for him. I saw his for the first time six weeks ago. I was catching a street transit (bus) after work and he was the conductor (driver). I usually do not ride at this particular time, but by happenstance, I did this time.
The door opened and the the sexiest man alive was staring right at me, waiting for me to board. Blonde and blue-eyed men are one of my favorite flavors.
I locked eyes with him and immediately my lip stated to tremble and sweat. His piercing blue eyes looked thru me like Superman can when he uses his x-ray vision. His model like looks took a toll on my body, leading me to tremble with excitement when I sat down. I sat in the back. I was so nervous, I didn't want him to see me shaking just from the sight of him.
I could do nothing except look straight ahead, facing him the entire ride, which leads me to the end of the line. It's only a 10 minute ride, but it seemed as if it took forever. Time literally stopped...stood still...whatever. You get the vibe, right?
I made sure that I was on every week from then on, since I only ride in that direction once per week.
It almost became a sport to see him. Would I make it to the transit in time on days I was running late? You're damn right I did. I don't care if I was running in heels, I was there. Every week at 6:20 pm.
That was six weeks ago.
Last week (April 27, 2011) I gathered enough courage and practiced what I was going to say to him. I was going to speak to him for the first time. Of course, I thought he would never go for a gal like me. I'm no plain Jane, but a guy like that could have girls lined up around the block to pay him for a kiss.
Well, needless to say, when I saw the transit approaching, I began to sweat like I had just run a marathon. I quickly touched up my makeup as he was at the stoplight down the street.
It seemed as if it took a thousand years for the transit to pull up to my stop. Someone deboarded and another passenger was waiting to board. I let them board first.
"Well," I started, "Do I get to see you're handsome face every Wednesday?" He smiled. I don't know if he heard me because I didn't hear myself. I felt like no sound came out of my mouth. "I guess so" he replied with his deep, bass-y voice.
My mind fainted, but my body managed to make it to the seat in the front. Apparently he had more to say. "You look nice today", He said.
Uh...me??????
"Thank you. You do as well!", I managed to spit out words, but in my mind, I was speaking gibberish.
Fast forward to the end of the transit line and the end of the trip. He usually takes a 10 or 15 minute break before making the return trip on his route.
He stopped me from getting off the transit and said that he had wanted to say something to me, but that he was a bit shy and didnt know if there was someone in my life like a boyfriend or something.
I explained that I did not have a boyfriend and we proceeded to exchange numbers. I offered to take me out to dinner on Thursday and I agreed, but not before asking if I would make dinner first and have him come over to my place...
Uhhhh, me?????
Fast forward to this day. I want to boil his bunny. I am no Fatal Attraction, but I am just miffed. I don't want to make Cowboy Shane look like the bad guy here. We had a phenomenal next 48 hours, but by heart is crushed.
No word from him since Friday. No text message. No call. Serious radio silence and static.
I wanna create stories in my head about where his cell phone could be or what's going on with him. I know he's working and he's busy. Does that silence mean he is not that into me? Some of my friends say yes and others disagree.
Cowboy Shane, if you're not that into me...just let me know and I'll spare your bunny. It's the hanging on to hope that kills.
To be continued...
I'm not sure why this guy is driving me to want to boil his bunny. Maybe because he is so stunning. And when I say stunning...I mean it and so do all my friends who got to meet him.
Well, in rides Cowboy Shane to steal my heart and everything that comes with it. Now, I have not heard from him since Friday morning when his delicious ass drove me to work and met my co-workers. I had to show him off. He is an Adonis.
Cowboy Shane is my nick name for him. I saw his for the first time six weeks ago. I was catching a street transit (bus) after work and he was the conductor (driver). I usually do not ride at this particular time, but by happenstance, I did this time.
The door opened and the the sexiest man alive was staring right at me, waiting for me to board. Blonde and blue-eyed men are one of my favorite flavors.
I locked eyes with him and immediately my lip stated to tremble and sweat. His piercing blue eyes looked thru me like Superman can when he uses his x-ray vision. His model like looks took a toll on my body, leading me to tremble with excitement when I sat down. I sat in the back. I was so nervous, I didn't want him to see me shaking just from the sight of him.
I could do nothing except look straight ahead, facing him the entire ride, which leads me to the end of the line. It's only a 10 minute ride, but it seemed as if it took forever. Time literally stopped...stood still...whatever. You get the vibe, right?
I made sure that I was on every week from then on, since I only ride in that direction once per week.
It almost became a sport to see him. Would I make it to the transit in time on days I was running late? You're damn right I did. I don't care if I was running in heels, I was there. Every week at 6:20 pm.
That was six weeks ago.
Last week (April 27, 2011) I gathered enough courage and practiced what I was going to say to him. I was going to speak to him for the first time. Of course, I thought he would never go for a gal like me. I'm no plain Jane, but a guy like that could have girls lined up around the block to pay him for a kiss.
Well, needless to say, when I saw the transit approaching, I began to sweat like I had just run a marathon. I quickly touched up my makeup as he was at the stoplight down the street.
It seemed as if it took a thousand years for the transit to pull up to my stop. Someone deboarded and another passenger was waiting to board. I let them board first.
"Well," I started, "Do I get to see you're handsome face every Wednesday?" He smiled. I don't know if he heard me because I didn't hear myself. I felt like no sound came out of my mouth. "I guess so" he replied with his deep, bass-y voice.
My mind fainted, but my body managed to make it to the seat in the front. Apparently he had more to say. "You look nice today", He said.
Uh...me??????
"Thank you. You do as well!", I managed to spit out words, but in my mind, I was speaking gibberish.
Fast forward to the end of the transit line and the end of the trip. He usually takes a 10 or 15 minute break before making the return trip on his route.
He stopped me from getting off the transit and said that he had wanted to say something to me, but that he was a bit shy and didnt know if there was someone in my life like a boyfriend or something.
I explained that I did not have a boyfriend and we proceeded to exchange numbers. I offered to take me out to dinner on Thursday and I agreed, but not before asking if I would make dinner first and have him come over to my place...
Uhhhh, me?????
Fast forward to this day. I want to boil his bunny. I am no Fatal Attraction, but I am just miffed. I don't want to make Cowboy Shane look like the bad guy here. We had a phenomenal next 48 hours, but by heart is crushed.
No word from him since Friday. No text message. No call. Serious radio silence and static.
I wanna create stories in my head about where his cell phone could be or what's going on with him. I know he's working and he's busy. Does that silence mean he is not that into me? Some of my friends say yes and others disagree.
Cowboy Shane, if you're not that into me...just let me know and I'll spare your bunny. It's the hanging on to hope that kills.
To be continued...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
And Then Along Came Marty: Hello and Goodbye!
Woah! As I am dealing with this so-called heartbreak with Robbie...
Along comes Marty...
Who the hell is Marty, you ask? Well, he is one of the sweetest and truly the funniest men I know.
He fits all the criteria. He's older. He's absolutely hot and on the inside he is still such a kid and I love that in him.
Well, it was nice running into Marty on Skype last night. Only to find out that Marty, who has been out of work for the last 8 months, finally landed a job...
In England.
To be continued...
Along comes Marty...
Who the hell is Marty, you ask? Well, he is one of the sweetest and truly the funniest men I know.
He fits all the criteria. He's older. He's absolutely hot and on the inside he is still such a kid and I love that in him.
Well, it was nice running into Marty on Skype last night. Only to find out that Marty, who has been out of work for the last 8 months, finally landed a job...
In England.
To be continued...
Monday, April 25, 2011
Breaking Up With Robbie, Again: "It's so hard to say goodbye on Easter Day"
Of course, I was a bit wishy-washy. I know. Some part of me wants to hang on. Some part of me still feels like there is hope. I dunno why. I mean, my pride says to cut this jerk loose but my heart melts when I see him (which I did briefly on Saturday) and when I hear his voice and see his smile. Maybe I need to remind myself that the Devil smiles, too. Something about Robbie just wont let me go...or is that vise-versa?
It's so hard to say goodbye on Easter Day.
I decided I had enough of the flaking out. I've had enough of the unkept promises.
Dearest Robbie, I am done...?
So, I wrote you the following email to say goodbye...again.
From: Chibrannigan<blah-blah@blah.com>;
To: robbieblah@blah.com<robbieblah@blah.com>;
Subject: Dearest RobbieSent: Sun, Apr 24, 2011 5:41:07 AM
Dearest Robbie,
I have been thinking about you the past few weeks and I know that you're in an odd situation. I miss you dearly and I think that you are one of the funniest men I have ever met. You make me laugh and I love that about you. There are so many wonderful qualities about you.
You're a caring and giving and kind person and such a sweetheart. I miss you terribly and I want nothing more than to have you for myself. If you look back over the time that we have been together, you would see that I have enjoyed all of my time with you.
My sweetheart, I really have fallen for you and having said all that I realize that you're in a sticky situation but it is this situation that you are in is keeping us apart. I am not making you the bad guy for your choices. I understand that you have to make choices for yourself but do you really think that we can carry on a relationship under these conditions? [YEAH, LIKE YOUR EX-WAS TO TEMPORARILY STAY WITH YOU AND NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE!]
I mean I have tried so many times over the past several weeks to simply see you in the morning and meet up for coffee. All of them have fallen through except for one.
It seems like it is stressing you too much to be able to give both of us the attention that we need. Again, I am not making you the bad guy. I understand but you do have choices to make. Only one of us can exist in your life its either her or me and at this point I feel like you have to choose being with her. It does break my heart. It does 100 percent but I don't know what I can do about that and I don't know what you can do about it. What are your thoughts? [TOTALLY WISHY-WASHY HERE, I COULD FEEL MY KNEES BUCKLE. I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO LET GO. WHERE IS MY HEAD???]
My thoughts are you have to figure out what you're gonna do for yourself and that is the most important thing of it all. My feelings for you will not fade. I still want to kiss you and make out with you but I don't think it's fair for you to not be real with yourself. You have to be real with yourself, Robbie.
Do you have enough time to have a relationship with me and be there for her?
From what I have seen, you don't. From what I have seen, you can't because there's been so many times over the past few weeks you have flaked out on meeting up with me. And again, I understand it but it does hurt. What do you suppose we do? What do you suppose can be done under the circumstances? I am open to discussing this more but I will tell you that it's hurting my feelings a lot when you make promises that you can't keep.
You must understand how I'm feeling on my end!
Take a look at it from my point of view, I have a very handsome guy that I care very much for but he's in a situation that is taking him away from me and its breaking my heart. I hope to talk to you when you can have a conversation for more than five minutes.
Love you lots,
Chi
UPDATE!!!!
I fell off the wagon and sent Robbie a text this morning then we spoke on the phone. I wanted to confirm that he got the email.
He said he did NOT get the email.
I said, "Well, that explains why we're talking right now!"
He wants to meet up for coffee later today.
Like a lollipop or sucker, I said yes. We shall see.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Is There Room For A "Marry-Thon" In The Future?
Is there a Thon in the future?
Thon is as delicious as ever and we met for an impromptu lunch last Wednesday. It's always good to see his smiling face and to talk to him. Of course, we had "lunch" so there wasn't much talking. But there is a strange connection between us. I mean, we are perfectly happy where we are in our relationship, if you want to call it that. Is that weird? I mean, I don't want a more in-depth relationship with Thon. Not that he's not a great guy, it's just that what we have is just right. I got a little nervous when he asked me if I wanted more of a relationship with him.
Gulp. Ummm...No, Thon. Gosh, that sounds so weird. I guess, Thon and I would be the perfect roomies. I would expect nothing more from him than what I get and nothing more is expected of me than what I give. Sounds a bit like perfection. What we have is the best relationship with a man that I have had in many years. I can actually enjoy being in his company without all the emotional bubblegum sticking us together. I truly want to know how to be able to apply that line of thinking with Jack and Robbie.
I'm just fine being the bridesmaid.
Later, Thon and I followed up on the topic of our relationship. We both agree that we shouldn't try to fix what is not broken or put our relationship in some sort of kooky social box. It is what it is and what it is...we are happy with.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Short and Sweet: Cutting Off Robbie
I know for sure that I do not have the word "dumb" stamped on my forehead. I also know that Robbie knows that I am not blind to what's REALLY going on. Poor Robbie. He tried to pull the wool over my eyes but I pulled it down and knitted that wool into a sweater. It's a beautiful sweater with the tag on the inside reading, "Oh, by the way...this wool came from some lame ass who thought I wouldn't figure out that his ex-girlfriend is back to stay forever and ever."
My adventures with Robbie are coming to a close and I am closing them. Marina aka Cruella De Vil is still in his lair...or maybe I should rephrase that...
Robbie and Marina are back together. I don't want to hear his sob stories about how he feels he has to take care of her. She was supposed to be leaving a week ago and within that week of her NOT leaving, Robbie has flaked out on me 5 times.
Waiting around for Robbie totally ruined my weekend. We were supposed to have lunch, then meet the next day for dinner.
Robbie's way of flaking out is to simply not respond to text. I know Robbie well enough that his phone is super glued to his hand and that he checks his phone like I check my makeup...very often.
I ran into Robbie once this weekend and we were supposed to hang out after he got off from work. Well, we know how that turned out.
Now, all of his complaints about Marina are falling on deaf ears. He is in the situation he wants to be in. He wants to be with her because he IS with her. It's his choice. He did not have to let her come back to his place, but he did. He does not have to take care of her, but he does. And with that choice, I am outtie.
Robbie doesn't have to stand up and declare that he is back with Marina. It's shows in all of his actions. The sneaking he does to text or call me. The RARE times he texts or call me anymore since Marina has been back. He feels he has to "hide" me from Marina. Why? I know why. I got the message. Right, Robbie?
Hiding my existence from your ex- and seriously not staying in touch the way he has are relationship violations that I can't entertain any longer.
I am glad that he made the decision that he's made before I became more emotionally involved with him.
Don't get me wrong. Robbie is a nice guy who is just sloppy at balancing things in his life. He is also sloppy with the truth.
Marina, you can have Robbie back. You won't have me interrupting your future together.
Funny thing is...I'm not even upset.
He's lucky. I'm not the type to go 'Scream 4' all over his ass.
My adventures with Robbie are coming to a close and I am closing them. Marina aka Cruella De Vil is still in his lair...or maybe I should rephrase that...
Robbie and Marina are back together. I don't want to hear his sob stories about how he feels he has to take care of her. She was supposed to be leaving a week ago and within that week of her NOT leaving, Robbie has flaked out on me 5 times.
Waiting around for Robbie totally ruined my weekend. We were supposed to have lunch, then meet the next day for dinner.
Robbie's way of flaking out is to simply not respond to text. I know Robbie well enough that his phone is super glued to his hand and that he checks his phone like I check my makeup...very often.
I ran into Robbie once this weekend and we were supposed to hang out after he got off from work. Well, we know how that turned out.
Now, all of his complaints about Marina are falling on deaf ears. He is in the situation he wants to be in. He wants to be with her because he IS with her. It's his choice. He did not have to let her come back to his place, but he did. He does not have to take care of her, but he does. And with that choice, I am outtie.
Robbie doesn't have to stand up and declare that he is back with Marina. It's shows in all of his actions. The sneaking he does to text or call me. The RARE times he texts or call me anymore since Marina has been back. He feels he has to "hide" me from Marina. Why? I know why. I got the message. Right, Robbie?
Hiding my existence from your ex- and seriously not staying in touch the way he has are relationship violations that I can't entertain any longer.
I am glad that he made the decision that he's made before I became more emotionally involved with him.
Don't get me wrong. Robbie is a nice guy who is just sloppy at balancing things in his life. He is also sloppy with the truth.
Marina, you can have Robbie back. You won't have me interrupting your future together.
Funny thing is...I'm not even upset.
He's lucky. I'm not the type to go 'Scream 4' all over his ass.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Let's Hear It For The Boys: Jack, Thon, Robbie and James!
Boys Boys Boys...
It must be spring because boys are just falling out of the woodwork. I must say I have had my hands full. First, there is always Jack who has disappeared from my radar, but not out of my heart. Then my favorite lunch dish, Thon. Thon and I had an exciting lunch last Friday. Totally delicious lunch, Thon...(More about that later!)
Then, Robbie has just been a sweetheart. I mean, he flaked out on me a couple of days in a row because of his Marina aka 'Cruella De Vil' situation, but we finally met for a quick coffee this morning. Then, who decides to give me a ring when he came to town? James.
Who is James, you ask?
James is one of those wonderfully sexy guys that I met without having ever met in person... until today. Not to mention...he is so young, I feel like a cougar!
Oh boy, we have some catching up to do, don't we.
Here's to the boys! Jack, Thon, Robbie and James.
It must be spring because boys are just falling out of the woodwork. I must say I have had my hands full. First, there is always Jack who has disappeared from my radar, but not out of my heart. Then my favorite lunch dish, Thon. Thon and I had an exciting lunch last Friday. Totally delicious lunch, Thon...(More about that later!)
Then, Robbie has just been a sweetheart. I mean, he flaked out on me a couple of days in a row because of his Marina aka 'Cruella De Vil' situation, but we finally met for a quick coffee this morning. Then, who decides to give me a ring when he came to town? James.
Who is James, you ask?
James is one of those wonderfully sexy guys that I met without having ever met in person... until today. Not to mention...he is so young, I feel like a cougar!
Oh boy, we have some catching up to do, don't we.
Here's to the boys! Jack, Thon, Robbie and James.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Drama in Paradise: Robbie's Ex Is Back To Wreak Havoc
Just when you think it's safe to date a guy...
Robbie and I have been seeing one another for a few weeks now. We just hang out, drink coffee at local cafes, shop together on our smart phones and simply relax.
It has been a wonderful ride with Robbie. We have not slept together and I simply love being in his company and what's more, he loves being in my company. He makes me feel wanted, welcome and appreciated.
All was well until Monday 4/4/11. Robbie and I met for coffee in the afternoon after we both ran some personal errands. When I got to the coffee shop, he was sitting outside on the cafe patio listening to music on his phone. He stood up to hug me and told me that he just got there. That was evident by the fact that he wasn't sipping on coffee.
He asked if I wanted coffee and that was a serious no-brainer, of course I did. He stood to go inside to buy our coffee drinks but I stopped him, simply took his card and volunteered to go inside and purchase our coffee drinks.
After grabbing our "joes" I sat down and simply took inventory on his behavior. Robbie want acting strangely, but something was a-miss. My senses were tingling. "What's up?", I casually asked. "Well...", he began, "I have something I want to tell you and I don't want you to freak out on me."
GULP! The back of my throat became sticky and dry. I felt like I wanted to run, scream and punch him in the face all at the same time.
"What is it?" I replied.
Stop right here.
Now, I was preparing myself for the worst and most people would. Rightfully so. But I tried with all my being to keep an interested expression on my face. I know how to do that, you know. I practice in the mirror. It's a better than the "I want to run, scream and punch him in the face all at the same time" expression.
"Marina is coming back to stay with me for a week."
Marina is the ex-girlfriend of 7 years who went to live with a couple as an live in housekeeper several months ago, yet the day after she moved in with the family, she broke her leg. Although Marina still lives with the family, she is coming back to Robbie's place while the family takes a vacation, thus not leaving Marina alone to care for herself.
According to Robbie, Marina has no family worth their weight in used carpet. No one wants to have her stay with them. She is certainly not a people person. From what I am told, she would rival Cruella De Vil in a wheelchair with steel rods in her leg.
Here is bleeding heart Robbie there to take in the strays. Why does the stray have to be his ex?
To be con't...
Robbie and I have been seeing one another for a few weeks now. We just hang out, drink coffee at local cafes, shop together on our smart phones and simply relax.
It has been a wonderful ride with Robbie. We have not slept together and I simply love being in his company and what's more, he loves being in my company. He makes me feel wanted, welcome and appreciated.
All was well until Monday 4/4/11. Robbie and I met for coffee in the afternoon after we both ran some personal errands. When I got to the coffee shop, he was sitting outside on the cafe patio listening to music on his phone. He stood up to hug me and told me that he just got there. That was evident by the fact that he wasn't sipping on coffee.
He asked if I wanted coffee and that was a serious no-brainer, of course I did. He stood to go inside to buy our coffee drinks but I stopped him, simply took his card and volunteered to go inside and purchase our coffee drinks.
After grabbing our "joes" I sat down and simply took inventory on his behavior. Robbie want acting strangely, but something was a-miss. My senses were tingling. "What's up?", I casually asked. "Well...", he began, "I have something I want to tell you and I don't want you to freak out on me."
GULP! The back of my throat became sticky and dry. I felt like I wanted to run, scream and punch him in the face all at the same time.
"What is it?" I replied.
Stop right here.
Now, I was preparing myself for the worst and most people would. Rightfully so. But I tried with all my being to keep an interested expression on my face. I know how to do that, you know. I practice in the mirror. It's a better than the "I want to run, scream and punch him in the face all at the same time" expression.
"Marina is coming back to stay with me for a week."
Marina is the ex-girlfriend of 7 years who went to live with a couple as an live in housekeeper several months ago, yet the day after she moved in with the family, she broke her leg. Although Marina still lives with the family, she is coming back to Robbie's place while the family takes a vacation, thus not leaving Marina alone to care for herself.
According to Robbie, Marina has no family worth their weight in used carpet. No one wants to have her stay with them. She is certainly not a people person. From what I am told, she would rival Cruella De Vil in a wheelchair with steel rods in her leg.
Here is bleeding heart Robbie there to take in the strays. Why does the stray have to be his ex?
To be con't...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Weekend At Robbie's
Weekend At Robbie's
Let's talk. I mean, seriously. I had the opportunity to spend the weekend with Robbie and I jumped at the chance. Part of me wonders if I went because I knew that I would not be spending time with Jack in Las Vegas next month and I think part of me was trying to replace what that experience would have been.
So, Robbie and I spent Friday night together and I really thought it was only going to be Friday, but that changed later on.
Robbie is a country boy at heart. He was raised in a tiny Southwest farm town where everyone knew everybody and their business. Robbie finally got out, went to college, had a successful white collar career and is now enjoying a new career. His new career is a bit blue collar, literally. His uniform is blue, but without him switching careers in mid-stream, our paths would have never crossed. Anyhow, I met up with Robbie after work.
I was running late and I was supposed to meet him for dinner, but I just met up with him back at his place. When I got there, he was sitting on his favorite chair in black socks, boxers an his unbuttoned work shirt with his super white undershirt thinly veiling his belly and chest. "I was just sitting here watching ESPN. I just got here...", he said while he scurried around a bit to grab me a plate and can of soda. "I stopped by my favorite take away place down the street. 'Want half of my Philly Cheese steak?". I giggled a bit and accepted. I giggled because he moved around the room like a teenager trying to impress his date.
I sat right down across from him, grabbed my half of the sandwich and sipped his soda...No need to crack open a new can. Robbie's place is cozy bachelor pad with his love of sports resonating throughout the decor.
Robbie is a serious sports fan with his own sports fan charm. Jack could care less if groups of people strategized about how to gain control of and/or played around with balls.
Robbie is a great guy with a mental wikipedia of crass and dirty jokes. He's really down-to-earth and gentlemanly. How lucky I was to experience this all weekend long. And the best part...we slept holding one another and that was more moving than any sex we could have had.
Watch out Jack?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
From Jack’s Trash to Robbie’s Treasure
OK, so Jack dropped the atomic bomb of reality and explained that our Vegas vacation is off. Today, my feelings are mixed. I am not going to sugar coat my feelings, I mean, my feelings are not the most diplomatic feelings in the world. When it comes to Jack, I will admit I am selfish, but most women are selfish about the men they love.
I wanted that vacation and I have been dying to see Jack. I have not seen Jack in the amount of time it takes to have a baby. I mean, I could have given birth to his love child…and then some.
I miss the hell out of him and I wish he didn’t land this gig…or better yet, I wish the gig were next month and not on the week/weekend that we were supposed to see one another. I simply miss him and I miss kissing him and holding him and just being with Jack. So, I am angry and it’s not the best state to be in. I guess it’s a bit harsh to say that I am “Jack’s trash”, but what I do know is that I do not feel as important to Jack as he feels to me. I can clear that up with a candid conversation and I was going to do that in Las Vegas. Now, I won’t see Jack until July. He is in touch with me and I love hearing from him. He says all the romantic gushy stuff that I love to hear and I respond, in kind. Jack DOES say that he loves me. Jack DOES tell me that he loves me. All that means is that I still think I have a shot of “playing house” with him and I would in a heartbeat.
Meanwhile, there is Robbie, who is here. He is here for me. Robbie is amazing in his own right. He is witty, charming and such a mannerly gentleman. Robbie actually treats me like a princess, which is weird for me because I am not used to men treating me like I am the only woman in the world. Robbie does this for me and I don’t know how to accept it at times. I almost don’t know how to be “a lady”, in the sense that I am always on-the-go, playing with the big boys, being a tomboy of sorts and simply doing life. I forgot about letting the guy open doors, pull out your chair and helping a lady with her coat.
Jack is polite in the same manner, but he is not here. It’s that simple. Robbie is here and I am sincerely growing to like him very much. Is Robbie going to replace Jack as the love of my life? No. I don’t think so at this point, but there is another word to describe my feelings for men like Robbie. Let me get my thesaurus…
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
With 15 Days Left, Why Does Jack Flake Out On Our Vegas Vacation?
There was a voice. A small nagging voice in the back of my mind and it was telling me that Jack would bail out of the Las Vegas trip.
Like any faithful subject, I would ignore this voice because I didn’t want to believe it. I was practicing the Law of Attraction, using positive thoughts and envisioning myself in Jack’s arms. Well, kick that fantasy goodbye. This is not going to happen. Jack is not coming to Las Vegas.
Why? Well, according to Jack, he will be “working”. And this is not simple work. He was asked to be a guest speaker at a Writer’s Conference. Oh, he is so jumping on that. It’s been a while since his presence has been requested and I was thrilled for him.
Jack called me last night to give me the Good-slash-Bad news. He asked if I wanted the bad news first. Of course, I asked for the dagger in my heart first, and give it to me, he did. “I’m not going to Las Vegas”, he stated. My heart sank, but not as low as you’d think. I mean, really, this is what I was expecting after he primed my pump for the bad news. And the good news….Gah! So, he’s going to be a guest speaker and a Writer’s Conference. SO WHAT!!!
I am going for honesty here and I am honestly pissed to the core. I am so over this, Jack. Of course we did the “I love you” dance before we got off the phone. I do love him… I am in love with him, but he’s tearing my heart apart. Even though this is a good gig for him, I can’t help but wonder the following…
- Would Jack flake out on Barbara for this gig?
- Is Jack telling the truth?
- Is he really going to attend this conference or is Barbara somewhere waiting in the wings?
Friday, March 18, 2011
How the Universe and Robbie Saved a Breaking Heart
I decided that I was not going to change Robbie's first name on this blog. His first name is really Robbie. And, like a little bird, he swooped down and gathered a few sticks and leaves to create a soft nest to hold my breaking heart.
I woke up Saturday morning and I was just bummed. I was thinking about Jack and I couldn't wrap my mind around our situation any more. I was giving up and letting go. Not that it was such a bad thing. I mean, I drive myself to the loonies over this Jack situation and I had it that morning. I wanted to forget about Jack.
It was nearly dawn and the sunlight was just starting to break through my blinds and I could hear the Saturday morning traffic begin to pick up on the streets outside. I was lying in bed looking at my ceiling fan when I had this sudden urge to say aloud, "Ok, "Universe!" Send me someone as crazy for me as I am for Jack. Bring it on!" I wouldn't say I was upset. I mean, I was challenging the universe and all, but this sudden sense of calm washed over me. I forgot about Jack and I simply rolled over and went back to sleep.
LATER THAT DAY...
Well, I reside in a pretty big city. loads of public transportation and no real reason to own a car. Renting a car is best when you might want to drive one around for a week or so, especially with the gas prices. Anyhow...
congratulations.”
Yes, it’s true. “Later that day” actually happened and his name is Robbie. Ok, I was uptown running errands and simply wandering in and out of stores, window shopping and killing time. I bought some cheap jewelry and headed home. I was on the platform waiting for the…transit when I noticed someone in the distance. And I said to myself, “Oh, that’s Robbie. I haven’t seen him in a while.” Well, he was headed my way and we shuffled onto the transit together. He looked me in the eye and said, “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you.”
“Looking for me?” I thought. Wow. I literally had not seen him since Christmas Eve.
I remember that Christmas Eve conversation. We had seen one another and would casually speak to one another. A “Hello” here and a “Hi” there then came Christmas Eve. Transit was running late and we had our first conversation. “Nice guy”, I thought to myself back then. I certainly could not tell he was interested. I mean, maybe a little…but we were both reserved, a bit shy and freezing cold. I told him my name and he told me his. I had not seen him since. And then came…Saturday.
Robbie and I exchanged phone numbers. I totally took this as a sign from the heavens. The universe doth deliver. Just Believe. So, does Robbie take the place of Jack in my heart? Nope. There’s Jack, who I am in love with and Robbie who, in all honesty is living in my city. He lives close, he is available and he is charming, goofy and loveable. I can’t compare the two men in my life right now. Not to mention, I thought being in love with Jack was a challenge.
I mean, Jack is older, and I love that about him, but Robbie is almost 20 years my senior. You should have seen us in public together the other day. We got the typical curious stares and I find those stares amusing because I give other May/December couples the same stare, so I know what they are thinking. No, he’s not my dad, if he were; I wouldn’t be French kissing him in public, you moron!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)