How did I become lonely again?

I am seriously trying to wrap my head around this because I can see myself being with this guy for a long time. I think its only because I have plans and ideas. I am not sure that they translate or are even important to others. I really think I am in a relationship with myself and my thoughts and ideas of my future.

I dont think anyone cares. So does that mean I want to just be alone? Sometimes yes, and this comes as a defense mechanism. Would I rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right reasons? No. I'd rather be alone. There is no worse feeling than being along with people in the house. The sounds of the disconnect is maddening—like station static turned up too loud.

That is where my heart is, but how the hell did it get there? How did I become lonely again?

Its the Beginning Of the End of Beginning Again...

Its a cool spring morning the day before Easter and I am again contemplating. What the hell am I doing this for? I have to ask myself when does tenacity become insanity? When does it simply become futile to believe in any romantic relationship? As tired as I am of asking that question I find myself asking it over and over again in my life when I become worn out by the relationship down out weigh the relationship ups. Its really over over over this time and I can feel it in my bones. 

 As all the exterior of him remains in the most beautiful...he really is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen...I cannot see myself remaining as unfulfilled as I am. The emptiness is there. It feels like a porcelain teacup with a surface scratch that becomes a crack and finally when you put the hot tea inside for the last time, the heat opens the crack beyond repair and the cup breaks. I'm not at the breaking point. I am broken. Get out the super glue (again). A broken heart needs to mend. Through the pain I can truly rationalize and I am not completely engrossed in my emotional state. 

 So, I logically know that he is just having a hard time right now. Lots of pain from his past has been popping up, some of it at his own compulsive doing but nonetheless, its there. I can see him roll from happy to sad in seconds from one trigger. Its consuming him and I don't want his “stuff” consuming me. I am old enough to know that I still need to p\rotect me...like a nurse puts on gloves and follows universal precautions.

He likes to antagonize. He pushes buttons. He kicks the cat and wonders why the cat scratches him. Its that kind of mentality that I have no more tolerance for I have cracked and burned out from it. I am totally exhausted from it.

I mean, I am so in the red when it comes to my energy and concentration level that I could sleep all day long.

I am well aware of my ability to rehash and repeat and I am sure to talk in circles in this post. Bare with me.

Oh gawd....he just apologized.

Now I have guilt because I don't want to accept it.