“Hurry, let's have sex before the baby wakes up...and keep it quiet!”

How do you love two men at the same time? That's easy. I got an email today from an old lover. It was Robbie. It was a surprise and I was on guard as I opened it but it happened to be a wonderful email. In fact, it was the simplicity of the email that made it wonderful. It had the usual “how are ya?” and “whatcha up to?” and that was sandwiched in between how he was doing and how life was going for him. Ive know him longer than have known Shane and we have a wonderful history. No issues whatsoever. Maybe that's because we structured our relationship that way. I miss him as much as I love Shane, but Shane does come first. It's great to fantasize about Robbie and wonder what things would be like and to remember how exciting life was with him. I mean, that's harmless. What I do know is that I love Shane and Robbie for different reasons.

Shane is moody and brooding sometimes but he's my guy. I know that when he is upset he needs space and not to push back. Maybe even the occasional “What's going on, Shane?” and holding his hand will snap him out of his frustration rants. Shane really is shy and social at the same time. Let me clear that up. He is very sensitive. He works out and has an amazing body and people think that makes him as tough as nails, but under that 200lbs bench press is a man who is self conscious (about his accent because people always ask where he is from and he's just tired of that), shy and sensitive. Can you believe it?

Of course, you can. That's usually the type of person who is very sensitive. The prancing peacocks...the show-offs...the working actors (which Shane is) are more sensitive, in my experience or shall I say the artiste, in general. Shane is amazing and is a wonderful papa. Loving Shane is the equivalent of having the little house, white picket fence, 2.5 kids (whatever that REALLY means) and pet cat. Our relationship is going well, that's not to say that either of us is not bored. I know Shane is bored. We both crave that excitement of being in a new relationship...or in an old one for that matter.

A woman can tell when their man is bored. Sex becomes routine and that is the big clue.

No exciting spanking or ripping off each others underwear anymore. It's become, “Hurry before the baby wakes up...and keep it quiet!”

I know Shane is bored when he asks me what our neighbor is wearing today...the young 26-yr-old neighbor. I know he lusts after her, even though he has the “etiquette” to tell me that she has nothing on me. Oh yes, she does... she is 26 and I could be her much older sister. I don't worry and actually giggle at Shane for his wanderlust feelings.

I have them too they are just not important to me. I don't want to be with anyone else...

Now, back to that email from Robbie... He just made me feel good and remember that no matter how much the baby pees on my leg or no matter how many pair of unsexy but comfy pajamas I wear when Shane comes home from work...Someone out there still remembers that I am sexy and I am wild at heart. Doesn't mean I want to “go there”, it just means it's still there if I want it...and so are the cookies on top of the fridge but that doesn't mean I'm going to eat them. You know what I mean? Shane remembers I am still sexy, too, although sometimes it takes actual effort to remind him. And, that's reality.

Shane and I: In our beginnings... http://theamazinglytrueadventuresofchianne.blogspot.com/2011/05/cowboy-shane-marriage-babies-his-other.html

How did I become lonely again?

I am seriously trying to wrap my head around this because I can see myself being with this guy for a long time. I think its only because I have plans and ideas. I am not sure that they translate or are even important to others. I really think I am in a relationship with myself and my thoughts and ideas of my future.

I dont think anyone cares. So does that mean I want to just be alone? Sometimes yes, and this comes as a defense mechanism. Would I rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right reasons? No. I'd rather be alone. There is no worse feeling than being along with people in the house. The sounds of the disconnect is maddening—like station static turned up too loud.

That is where my heart is, but how the hell did it get there? How did I become lonely again?

Its the Beginning Of the End of Beginning Again...

Its a cool spring morning the day before Easter and I am again contemplating. What the hell am I doing this for? I have to ask myself when does tenacity become insanity? When does it simply become futile to believe in any romantic relationship? As tired as I am of asking that question I find myself asking it over and over again in my life when I become worn out by the relationship down out weigh the relationship ups. Its really over over over this time and I can feel it in my bones. 

 As all the exterior of him remains in the most beautiful...he really is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen...I cannot see myself remaining as unfulfilled as I am. The emptiness is there. It feels like a porcelain teacup with a surface scratch that becomes a crack and finally when you put the hot tea inside for the last time, the heat opens the crack beyond repair and the cup breaks. I'm not at the breaking point. I am broken. Get out the super glue (again). A broken heart needs to mend. Through the pain I can truly rationalize and I am not completely engrossed in my emotional state. 

 So, I logically know that he is just having a hard time right now. Lots of pain from his past has been popping up, some of it at his own compulsive doing but nonetheless, its there. I can see him roll from happy to sad in seconds from one trigger. Its consuming him and I don't want his “stuff” consuming me. I am old enough to know that I still need to p\rotect me...like a nurse puts on gloves and follows universal precautions.

He likes to antagonize. He pushes buttons. He kicks the cat and wonders why the cat scratches him. Its that kind of mentality that I have no more tolerance for I have cracked and burned out from it. I am totally exhausted from it.

I mean, I am so in the red when it comes to my energy and concentration level that I could sleep all day long.

I am well aware of my ability to rehash and repeat and I am sure to talk in circles in this post. Bare with me.

Oh gawd....he just apologized.

Now I have guilt because I don't want to accept it.

HOLD EVERYTHING! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE UPDATE!!! And BABY MAKES THREE!!!

HOLD EVERYTHING!

Hey everyone!  Its been several years since I  posted but that's because I was living life!

 I'm ready to give you the most ultimate updates on whats been happening.

EVERYTHING HAS HAPPENED!

Can you believe its 2014?  How cliche... I think we also said this back in 2010... "hey can you believe its 2010?"

 Anyway everything has been going on for the past several years.

My love for Jack is still there although I have put it away on the shelf in my brain.

 Right now I am having a great time.   Im having a great time with special people and with these special people, is one person in particular and yes, that is Shane.

Can you believe it?  Shane and I finally made it official and we are a couple this year wait...well maybe 2013...that was last year... and it has been very interesting relationship.

 I'm learning a lot more about men and people and I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm also learning about are little gift whose name is Mimi.  Yes, we have a little one we love that we love very much.

If you read back to where I met Shane you will see there was a lot of drama going on at the time and he is a drama queen himself at the same time, I do truly enjoy him and his company and adore him to pieces.  So I will be back in a while to make another post tell you more about Mimi and Shane and how all of this came about because Mimi is waking up now.

Mimi's crying...time to get to mothers work.