“Hurry, let's have sex before the baby wakes up...and keep it quiet!”

How do you love two men at the same time? That's easy. I got an email today from an old lover. It was Robbie. It was a surprise and I was on guard as I opened it but it happened to be a wonderful email. In fact, it was the simplicity of the email that made it wonderful. It had the usual “how are ya?” and “whatcha up to?” and that was sandwiched in between how he was doing and how life was going for him. Ive know him longer than have known Shane and we have a wonderful history. No issues whatsoever. Maybe that's because we structured our relationship that way. I miss him as much as I love Shane, but Shane does come first. It's great to fantasize about Robbie and wonder what things would be like and to remember how exciting life was with him. I mean, that's harmless. What I do know is that I love Shane and Robbie for different reasons.

Shane is moody and brooding sometimes but he's my guy. I know that when he is upset he needs space and not to push back. Maybe even the occasional “What's going on, Shane?” and holding his hand will snap him out of his frustration rants. Shane really is shy and social at the same time. Let me clear that up. He is very sensitive. He works out and has an amazing body and people think that makes him as tough as nails, but under that 200lbs bench press is a man who is self conscious (about his accent because people always ask where he is from and he's just tired of that), shy and sensitive. Can you believe it?

Of course, you can. That's usually the type of person who is very sensitive. The prancing peacocks...the show-offs...the working actors (which Shane is) are more sensitive, in my experience or shall I say the artiste, in general. Shane is amazing and is a wonderful papa. Loving Shane is the equivalent of having the little house, white picket fence, 2.5 kids (whatever that REALLY means) and pet cat. Our relationship is going well, that's not to say that either of us is not bored. I know Shane is bored. We both crave that excitement of being in a new relationship...or in an old one for that matter.

A woman can tell when their man is bored. Sex becomes routine and that is the big clue.

No exciting spanking or ripping off each others underwear anymore. It's become, “Hurry before the baby wakes up...and keep it quiet!”

I know Shane is bored when he asks me what our neighbor is wearing today...the young 26-yr-old neighbor. I know he lusts after her, even though he has the “etiquette” to tell me that she has nothing on me. Oh yes, she does... she is 26 and I could be her much older sister. I don't worry and actually giggle at Shane for his wanderlust feelings.

I have them too they are just not important to me. I don't want to be with anyone else...

Now, back to that email from Robbie... He just made me feel good and remember that no matter how much the baby pees on my leg or no matter how many pair of unsexy but comfy pajamas I wear when Shane comes home from work...Someone out there still remembers that I am sexy and I am wild at heart. Doesn't mean I want to “go there”, it just means it's still there if I want it...and so are the cookies on top of the fridge but that doesn't mean I'm going to eat them. You know what I mean? Shane remembers I am still sexy, too, although sometimes it takes actual effort to remind him. And, that's reality.

Shane and I: In our beginnings... http://theamazinglytrueadventuresofchianne.blogspot.com/2011/05/cowboy-shane-marriage-babies-his-other.html

How did I become lonely again?

I am seriously trying to wrap my head around this because I can see myself being with this guy for a long time. I think its only because I have plans and ideas. I am not sure that they translate or are even important to others. I really think I am in a relationship with myself and my thoughts and ideas of my future.

I dont think anyone cares. So does that mean I want to just be alone? Sometimes yes, and this comes as a defense mechanism. Would I rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right reasons? No. I'd rather be alone. There is no worse feeling than being along with people in the house. The sounds of the disconnect is maddening—like station static turned up too loud.

That is where my heart is, but how the hell did it get there? How did I become lonely again?

Its the Beginning Of the End of Beginning Again...

Its a cool spring morning the day before Easter and I am again contemplating. What the hell am I doing this for? I have to ask myself when does tenacity become insanity? When does it simply become futile to believe in any romantic relationship? As tired as I am of asking that question I find myself asking it over and over again in my life when I become worn out by the relationship down out weigh the relationship ups. Its really over over over this time and I can feel it in my bones. 

 As all the exterior of him remains in the most beautiful...he really is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen...I cannot see myself remaining as unfulfilled as I am. The emptiness is there. It feels like a porcelain teacup with a surface scratch that becomes a crack and finally when you put the hot tea inside for the last time, the heat opens the crack beyond repair and the cup breaks. I'm not at the breaking point. I am broken. Get out the super glue (again). A broken heart needs to mend. Through the pain I can truly rationalize and I am not completely engrossed in my emotional state. 

 So, I logically know that he is just having a hard time right now. Lots of pain from his past has been popping up, some of it at his own compulsive doing but nonetheless, its there. I can see him roll from happy to sad in seconds from one trigger. Its consuming him and I don't want his “stuff” consuming me. I am old enough to know that I still need to p\rotect me...like a nurse puts on gloves and follows universal precautions.

He likes to antagonize. He pushes buttons. He kicks the cat and wonders why the cat scratches him. Its that kind of mentality that I have no more tolerance for I have cracked and burned out from it. I am totally exhausted from it.

I mean, I am so in the red when it comes to my energy and concentration level that I could sleep all day long.

I am well aware of my ability to rehash and repeat and I am sure to talk in circles in this post. Bare with me.

Oh gawd....he just apologized.

Now I have guilt because I don't want to accept it.

HOLD EVERYTHING! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE UPDATE!!! And BABY MAKES THREE!!!

HOLD EVERYTHING!

Hey everyone!  Its been several years since I  posted but that's because I was living life!

 I'm ready to give you the most ultimate updates on whats been happening.

EVERYTHING HAS HAPPENED!

Can you believe its 2014?  How cliche... I think we also said this back in 2010... "hey can you believe its 2010?"

 Anyway everything has been going on for the past several years.

My love for Jack is still there although I have put it away on the shelf in my brain.

 Right now I am having a great time.   Im having a great time with special people and with these special people, is one person in particular and yes, that is Shane.

Can you believe it?  Shane and I finally made it official and we are a couple this year wait...well maybe 2013...that was last year... and it has been very interesting relationship.

 I'm learning a lot more about men and people and I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm also learning about are little gift whose name is Mimi.  Yes, we have a little one we love that we love very much.

If you read back to where I met Shane you will see there was a lot of drama going on at the time and he is a drama queen himself at the same time, I do truly enjoy him and his company and adore him to pieces.  So I will be back in a while to make another post tell you more about Mimi and Shane and how all of this came about because Mimi is waking up now.

Mimi's crying...time to get to mothers work.

LETTING SHANE HAVE IT OR LETTING SHANE GO?

Yes, it has been quite a while since I have taken time to sit down and blog about this phase of life I am experiencing. 

So, to catch you up on things...

Yes, I am still with Shane and it's BEEN A YEAR!

Wow!!!  Who would have thought...

This year with Shane overall has been a learning experience.  I mean there is so much about men that I didn't know or thought was "wrong"...Details later.

But, men are men.  That's it.

Shane is Shane and I love the guy.  I mean, I love him but I love myself, too.

The love I have for myself is greater that the love for Shane.  It's not a bad thing, but we are way to mature for the playground of emotional games that women can play with men and vise versa.

Now...

I think I am breaking up with Shane...again.  This is part of my self preservation...You see..

Shane is hot, but he is older and wants to sew his wild oats like a 14-yr-old boy.

And the fact of the matter is...well, he thinks that I haven't a clue about it.

Oh, I have had clues...Lot's of them.

Now, logically...I should let Shane have at it.  That's what I am logically going to do while burying the emotional side of me in a bottle of White Zin.  My emotions are kind of like pimples.  They flare up, they pop and heal.

The real question is...

Will I let Shane go that easy?  Will my emotional pimple go away without scarring...just like that?
Will I be weak and take Shane back...again?

Here's the email I sent to Shane.  I thought about this long and hard all day today.

Last night, while I was making dinner for Shane and I, his cell rang.
He answered it and I thought nothing of it...initially.

Now, my interests and my ears pricked up when I heard his declare, "Oh, my accent...It's Italian!"

More banter and giggling followed.  Giggling like a kid on the play ground that just got kissed by the school cutie.

Our eyes locked and I could see the "Oh crap" in his face.

"I'm sorry about that, babe.  I can't believe I did that in front of you...", Shane says.

Well, dummy, I'm not.  "Shane, I know it was a girl...OK...so, how is she?"
"Stop it..." he waves me off.  "...I don't want to talk about it.", he says.

I graciously let it go and buried my head in a bottle of White Zin.  I was not going to "react".  I wanted to respond...

Here's my response:

Shane,

So, you don't want to hurt my feelings and date other women.  Sweetie pie, you're going to do it, if you choose, no matter what my feelings are about it.

It's not about me, babe.  It's all about you and what you want. 

As far as I am concerned, I love you...I know that.

And, to be honest, I am no dumb bunny.

Now, logically, I know you want to be with other women.  Most men do...at least want some strange chick every once in a while.

The guy is going to either hide it or do it like Ashton Kutcher.

Now, we have talked about this before.  This is why I don't have a reason to stop you from pursuing other women and I don't have a reason to go thru your phone.  Honey, I mean, duh...  You're on POF a lot.  You check out other chicks all the time.  I am right there. I don't say a word.  I mean, why should I?  You have always done what you want...and I say "Good for you!"

You shouldn't let anyone, including me, keep you from doing what you want to do.  I am very serious about this. I HAVE SAID FROM THE BEGINNING THAT YOU SHOULDN'T JUST SETTLE...YOU SHOULD DATE.  You should date other women...I could not be more serious.

The idea of being only with me is not for you.  Trust me. 

Now, the way I "feel" about it...well, that doesn't really matter here.  Those feelings and emotions don't really matter.

  

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

I AM NOT UPSET.  I AM NOT ANGRY.

YOU SHOULD DATE OTHER WOMEN.  YOU WANT TO DO IT...SO DO IT!

PLEASE GO FOR IT!

NOW, HAVING SAID THAT...I HOPE THAT YOU AND YOUR LADY HAVE ALREADY MADE PLANS TO HOOK UP.

JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU WILL BE AT HER PLACE SO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HEADING THIS WAY.  OK????

I'm just trying to be honest here and that's all I ask in return.  I mean, I respect and love you enough to be honest...So DAMMIT!

JUST GO ON THE FREAKING DATE AND LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES.

Luv,  Chi

Today's Love Letter To Shane

I've been thinking. What do I get out of this relationship?

You have an answer, right?

I have some answers too.

When I am with you, I feel safe.   I hate missing you.  
I hate seeing you unhappy. 
I hate not having alone time.  We don't get any alone time, really. We've been together 6 months and I have had a great time with you.  I can't wait for us to connect more.

I hate being confused.  Sometimes I think you don't need me until you sort out your life.  I know how long you spent in an unhappy relationship and I know you may need some time to heal and grow. Sometimes I don't know you if you need me and I am confused because you really never mention it.

But...

What I get out of this relationship is a learning experience with you.

I really like you. 
I trust you.
I need you.
I want you.
I desire you.
It's that simple.

You treat me very nicely.  When I am with you, I feel like a soft woman because you are my strong man.

No man has treated me as nicely as you do.  You have taken me places and shown me new things. 

I think we have each others back.  You watch out for me and I watch out for you. 

I love that you are Italian. I love hearing about your home country. 

You have your quirks and so do I but it's lots of fun being with you, AMAZING sex... and yeah....

I got some bragging rights, too.  You know how extrodinarily good-lookand talented you are.

Well, I am good-looking, too...when I wanna be.

Have you seen us together?  We are a total power couple.

We belong together.


I love you, Shane.

Always,
Chianne

Jack vs. Shane: Let the cheating begin...!?

Jack vs. Shane: Let the cheating begin!

Alright.  Let's examine this cheating thing that Shane got himself wrapped up into.

Here's how it went down.  I see Shane several times a week, usually consecutive days.  Maybe 3 or 4 in a row.  Then for the other 3-4 days, Shane would completely disappear.  No phone call and no text.

At first, I would freak out.  I had no idea where Shane was or what was going on.  The worst thoughts imaginable spilled into my head.  My wild thoughts got so bad that I couldn't even concentrate at work.  Did I cheat first with the love of my life? 

Did I cheat on my Cowboy Shane with my sweetheart of all sweetheart, Jack?

And how the hell did these two end up sleeping at my house and in my bedroom at the same time?   (It was not what you think...)

I have to back pedal here to give some back story....




BONUS POST WITHIN POST: SWEATY PALMS & WAITING FOR JACK TO ARRIVE

Finally, a few weeks ago, Jack came to town.  Yes, MY JACK!  Jack came flew into town for a convention and I had promised several months back that he could stay with me.  I am not one to go back on my word so...I honored my word.  So on Wednesday, July 20, 2011...I got to see the love of my love life.  Not only that,  I knew that I would have him for 5 fun-filled night and 4 amazing days.  Well, at least while he wasn't attending the convention.

I met Jack at the airport after he patiently waited there for me for 2 hrs.  I couldn't get myself motivated to even get to the airport on time to meet.  I was in a panic or having a serious happy breakdown.  I was downing coffee and dozing off between doing some last minute tidying up of my home. I went from high anxiety to caffeine induced coma and this was all based on the fact that Jack was on his way into town.  I couldn't process all that Jack info at one time.  Jack was arriving soon.  I love Jack.  I'm in love with Jack.  I haven't seen Jack in 10 months and I am going to see him today.  I can surely saw that I wasn't processing a thing...except for coffee.

Arriving at the airport was a surreal moment.  The sun was impressive, even blinding me while wearing sunglasses. The day was warm with slight wispy breezes. I walked down the airport sidewalk in a daze.  I could see people hugging and crying.  Couples were kissing.  Kids were laughing.  Luggage was everywhere.  One minute of walking felt like 10 minutes of time had passed and it was just at the final second of the minute that I noticed Jack's unmistakable silhouette sitting on a bench in the shady distance. 

Yes, it's Jack.  It's the man that I love.  By happenstance, Jack turned and looked in my direction as I approached him.  I didn't smile.  I don't think I could smile.  I was in shock, worried and going over my imperfections list in my head.  "Oh, why did I wear these jeans and this shirt. I'm a mess. Oh, how's my hair.  The color is different! What if he doesn't recognize me?  What if he doesn't like.... HI JACK!

"C'mon and give me a hug!!!", he cheers.  I can barely remember the hug.  What I do remember is what it felt like.  What it felt like to be in Jack's arms again.  Time finally stood still...at least for 30 seconds, but those seconds felt like an hour.  I gave him a big kiss on the cheek and inhaled his sexy scent, which I later found out was Coast soap.  I didn't want to seem desperate and plant one on his lips.  Jack kissed my check, too, after holding me back to take a gander.   We then hugged again for another 30-second hour...

To Be Continued...